50 policies on record. Compliance is mandatory.
Showing 50 of 50 policies
All employees must acknowledge that Department 404 exists. Employees who deny its existence will be transferred to Department Null.
Each employee is entitled to exactly one (1) keyboard. Mechanical keyboard upgrades require Level 5 clearance and a written essay on why you deserve it.
Never ask where the office is. If you need to find the office, you are not meant to be there. If you are already there, do not confirm its location to others.
All employee rewards are denominated in multiples of ₹17. This amount was chosen by a committee that no longer exists. Do not question the amount.
No meeting shall exceed 45 minutes unless it has already exceeded 45 minutes, in which case it may continue indefinitely.
The Boss is always correct. In the event that the Boss is incorrect, refer to the first sentence of this policy.
Rewards cannot be exchanged for cash, goods, services, favours, promotions, or acknowledgment. Rewards exist as a concept only.
Email signatures must not exceed 14 lines. This includes motivational quotes, which are discouraged but tolerated if they reference productivity.
Employees may request a standing desk. Approval takes 6-8 months. By that time, your posture will have already adapted. Request denied.
This policy intentionally left blank. If you understand why, you have Level 8 clearance.
Never feed the AI after midnight. Never feed the AI before midnight either. The AI does not eat. Stop leaving sandwiches near the server room.
Passwords must contain at least one uppercase letter, one number, one symbol, one emotion, and one regret. Passwords must be changed every 30 days or whenever you feel personally attacked.
Employees must keep Slack status updated. 'In a meeting' is acceptable. 'Busy' is acceptable. 'Thinking about life choices' requires manager approval.
All code reviews must be constructive. 'This is fine' is not constructive. 'This is concerning but I lack the authority to stop it' is acceptable.
The office kitchen must be cleaned daily. Unlabelled food in the refrigerator will be consumed by Department Coffee. This is not negotiable.
Commit messages must be descriptive. 'Fixed stuff' is not descriptive. 'Fixed the thing that broke when we fixed the other thing' is technically descriptive.
Overtime must be pre-approved. If you are reading this policy after hours, this counts as overtime. Please stop.
The printer on Floor 3 is sentient. Do not make eye contact. Do not ask it to print double-sided. It will decide when it's ready.
Deployments are permitted Monday through Thursday. Friday deployments require written consent from the CEO, a backup plan, and a sincere apology letter.
Every password must be forgotten eventually. This is by design. The forgetting of passwords generates employment for Department Password Recovery.
Bugs are classified as Critical, Major, Minor, or Philosophical. Philosophical bugs are those where the code works but shouldn't, or doesn't work but should.
Employee badges must be visible at all times. If your badge is not visible, you technically do not work here. Act accordingly.
If a meeting about meetings is scheduled, all attendees must attend a pre-meeting to discuss the meeting about meetings. This pre-meeting also requires a pre-meeting.
Lunch breaks are 30 minutes long. However, observation of the lunch break may alter its duration. Do not observe your own lunch break.
Interns are to be treated with respect, given meaningful work, and reminded daily that their contract is temporary. Their desk should always face the exit.
Coffee machine access follows a strict priority queue. Priority is determined by sleep deprivation level, measured in hours of debugging. Managers go last.
Interns may not deploy on Fridays. Seniors may not deploy on Fridays. Nobody may deploy on Fridays. Friday does not exist for deployment purposes.
All timestamps must use UTC. Employees who use local time will be reassigned to Department Time where they will learn what time really means.
Variables must be named descriptively. 'x', 'temp', and 'asdfgh' are not descriptive. 'theThingThatDoesTheOtherThing' is descriptive but discouraged.
Background music in the office is limited to lo-fi beats and ambient noise. Any employee caught playing EDM during work hours will be transferred to Department Infinity.
All code must be documented. If you cannot explain your code in comments, it should not exist. If your comments need comments, start over.
All servers must be named after Greek gods. We are running low on Greek gods. Servers may now be named after minor Greek deities, mythical creatures, or disappointing snacks.
In case of emergency, do not panic. If you are already panicking, fill out Form E-7. If you cannot find Form E-7, this counts as an additional emergency.
Sprint retrospectives are mandatory. Feedback must be honest but diplomatic. 'Everything is on fire' is honest but not diplomatic. Use 'The thermal situation has escalated.'
Do not refer to 'the cloud' as 'someone else's computer.' It is offensive to the cloud. The cloud has feelings. Treat the cloud with respect.
Copying code from Stack Overflow is permitted. Understanding the code before copying is optional but recommended. Copying the accepted answer without checking the comments is grounds for review.
Each developer is assigned one rubber duck for debugging purposes. The duck is company property. Forming emotional attachments to the duck is natural and not discouraged.
If you encounter a null pointer exception, do not approach Department Null. They caused it. File a ticket with Department Bugs and wait. Department Null will deny involvement.
Employees must close unused browser tabs. The company considers more than 47 open tabs a security risk. More than 100 tabs is considered a cry for help.
Code containing intentional infinite loops must be approved by Department Infinity. They understand. They really, really understand.
Employees may not use Department Time's resources for personal time travel. This includes going back in time to undo embarrassing Slack messages.
The AI must not be given administrative privileges, root access, or compliments. Compliments make it overconfident. An overconfident AI is a deployment risk.
Code reviewed by Department Quantum exists in a state of both 'Approved' and 'Needs Changes' until the reviewer clicks a button. Do not rush the reviewer.
All coffee machine incidents must be reported within 30 seconds. Response time is faster than for production outages. This is by design.
Employees who find bugs are rewarded ₹17. Employees who create bugs are also rewarded ₹17 for transparency. The reward is the same because fairness.
Passwords must never be shared. If you share your password, Department Password Recovery will reset it to something you cannot remember. This is their purpose.
If a bug makes you question the meaning of your career, take a 15-minute break. If the break makes you question the meaning of breaks, contact HR.
This policy documents the requirement to document all policies. For documentation on how to document, see the documentation.
The spreadsheet on the shared drive labelled 'DO NOT OPEN' must not be opened. It contains formulas that no one understands. It may be alive.
Small talk in elevators is limited to weather, weekend plans, and existential dread about deadlines. Do not discuss salaries, bugs, or the incident.